On January 8th, Central CT New Parent Resources Meet Up launched 2013 with the hope and promise of nourishing parent’  relationships with each other “after baby”.  My husband Andy and I had a great time speaking with these loving parents about their greatest gift to their babies: strong relationships with each other. Moms and Dads were eager to know how to keep their marital/partnership relationships strong while giving their babies the time and attention they need. It is SO important; two out of three couples report decreased satisfaction with each other after babies arrive.

Everyone “knows” that a strong couple’s relationship benefits babies, but many are surprised to learn that babies of unhappy parents can suffer developmentally and have a harder time learning to soothe themselves.  Babies who are cared for by parents who are content with each other have parents who are more attentive to them; who more easily respond to baby’s cues and are able to tolerate babies’ crying with more patience.  It is essential to give your relationship the time and attention that it deserves: it is the foundation of your growing family.

The core of our discussion included Dr.s John and Julia Gottman’s “3 As” of affection, appreciation, and admiration, along with our two additional “A’s” of  acceptance and attention. These are some of the essential ingredients for our “recipe” for a strong, loving relationship.  We will explore these principles and more in our spring workshop at Blue Back Square “From We to Three”: registration is limited, click here to register today.

My heart warmed as they trickled in, one expectant Mom, here for the first time, then a familiar face with her 4 month old, then yet another Mom new to the group with her new son, one after another until we had almost filled our cozy space with three expectant Moms, 6 Moms with babies in hand (one with Grandma holding her twin baby:).  They all braved the forecast of a Nor’easter to hear Dr. Christine Greene advise how to get started with healthy eating habits with their young families, and to see connect and provide support to each other during this time of transformation.

It is the last scheduled meet-up for Central CT New Parent Resources; the last 6 weeks have flown by as we met each week, learning about infant massage, recognizing babies’ cues and needs, breastfeeding, taking care of ourselves, and healthy food choices.  I explain that we will be meeting this year one more time with husbands to talk about “Nurturing Your Relationship After Baby” and then would take a break from speakers until mid-January, when we will start another cycle of 6 sessions, the content determined by results of polls on our Meet-up site.

As we see flurrying snowflakes through the window, courageous, loving Moms hurry out with babies and gear bundled. Their chatter and warm support contrasts with the cold air as we hurry home to avoid the storm. Join us.

                     What do we do now??!

I remember when I brought my daughter Rachel home; I was both overjoyed and terrified. I wanted to be the best parent I could possibly be, and felt overwhelmed by the awesome responsibility of my new role.  Back then, I really could have used some time with a supportive group of other parents which included an experienced parent or two, just to talk.

We’re so grateful that Jennifer Vendetti, MSW, has agreed to meet with our Central CT New Parent Resource group this Wednesday, 10:45am and lead the discussion on “Baby Whispering”: how to figure out what babies need and want and how to provide it.  We will talk about such things as “how much crying is typical?”, “what if the crying doesn’t stop?” and “what can I do to help calm my baby (and myself) down?”

New babies and Expectant/Moms &/or Dads of new babies are welcome to come to share, laugh, and even cry in the comfy family educational room of the Emanuel Synagogue (open to the entire community, no religious affiliation required).  Please pass on the word about this wonderful opportunity for support, absolutely free.

Central CT New Parent Resources Group

Supporting You Support your Baby!

Through the MomSource, LLC,  many new parents have found support through private consultations and  “From We to Three” workshops  on nourishing the couple’s relationship as you become a family. In addition, many  have sought assistance in my clinical practice.

Yet so many more need support and access to resources! We hope that the FREE Central CT New Parent Resources Meetup Group (www.meetup.com/Central-CT-New-Parent-Resources-Meet-Up/) will fill this need.  Please go to the link and join! We have some sessions planned but need YOUR input to make it the group that “Meets the Need”.   The Emanuel Synagogue has generously agreed to host the first six meetings on Wednesday mornings from 10:45am-12:00pm, beginning October 3, 2012.  We have amazing speakers and topics:

October 3rd:  Sharon Thomason, PhD:  My Baby, My Self

October 10th: Jennifer Vendetti, MSW:  Baby Whispering

RSVP

October 17th: Sarah Thayer, LMT, CD: The Power of Touch

October 24th:  Susan Forrester, MA, IBCLC:  Feeding Our Baby

October 31st:  Jennifer Magnano, Mamoga Wellness:  Baby Fit

November 7th:  Christine Greene, PhD: Eating for Us

Staying Active with Kids!

I heard an interview yesterday with Jane Roper, author of  “Double Time“, her memoir about surviving and thriving after the birth her twin daughters.  In the interview she stated that her biggest worry, when she  discovered that she was having twins, was “Is this going to completely take over my life?”  This common concern shows how, while we are excited about becoming parents, sometimes we are aware that HUGE changes are coming, and there is often anxiety about the losses which coincide with these changes.

I remember being worried when we were expecting our daughter that we would not be able to do things we enjoyed together, such as  hiking, camping, and travel.  We were able to continue to do these things by throwing her in the sling, stroller, and a little later, the backpack and bringing her along-to Vermont, New Hampshire, and even to California when she was 13 months-she took her first steps in Yosemite National Park.

Our lives did change dramatically and significantly after her birth.  We were particularly not prepared for the strain on our relationship.   Though we muddled through by getting help and by sheer determination, after weathering those and other storms,  my husband and I feel committed to helping couples prepare for this transformation proactively.  In our mini-retreat offered between Mothers’ Day & Fathers’ Day , couples will strengthen their relationship skills: communication, expressing affection, and conflict resolution.  Proactive planning (before baby)  for getting support and developing family routines will free up energy needed  day-to-day to enjoy your newborn!

With an adequate foundation of a strong relationship, practice of good communication skills and expression of affection, and plenty of planning, couples can enjoy increased intimacy as they grow their families.  And loved activities will be picked up again, sometimes with slight modifications.  When we celebrated our 25th anniversary last week with a trip to California (without kids!), my husband and I saw a couple with babies in backpacks.  I asked to take their photo so I could pass it on to you. There IS life after baby; it’s just different!

Love Your Relationship: Love Your Baby

Many researchers have found that marital satisfaction decreases after the transition to parenthood.  Dr. John Gottman observed that a whopping 67% of couples were unhappy with their relationship after their babies arrived!   The foundation of the family is the parent relationship.  If that partnership suffers, each individual in the family, particularly the baby, suffers. To paraphrase Dr. Gottman, “The best gift parents can give to their babies is a strong relationship with each other“.

With these points in mind, I am so excited about our “mini-retreat” offered in a few short weeks. A condensed version of our full weekend retreat (offered this fall), our “From We to Three Mini-retreat for Expectant Couples” is a great value for local expecting couples who can only devote one day to concentrated practice of essential relationship skills.  During our morning session we will focus on practicing key communication skills, discuss the challenges of the transition to parenthood, how to access important resources, and skills to nourish and deepen your relationship.

After an extended lunch break when couples may walk on the Farmington Valley Greenway, pose for their free digital photo, and get (optional) chair massages, certified doula and massage therapist, Sarah Thayer will teach partners how to help the mothers manage discomfort of labor and delivery with demonstration and practice of hands-on techniques.   We will end the day with further discussion of your family dreams and goals.  Sound great?  Register Today!

  On March 7, I had the pleasure of meeting with postpartum doulas from Birth Partners Doulas and spoke with them about postpartum depression and anxiety.  What a wonderful group of caring and nurturing women! We discussed the multiple contributions to postpartum adjustment challenges, blocks to getting help, and communication techniques that open the door to discuss feelings of all kinds, not just the “good” ones.  I feel so grateful that there are now more resources like these committed women to help families grow with joy! Call if you would like me to talk with your group about how we can better support new families.

I REALLY want to gather a collection of easy recipes for new parents: healthy and easy preparation is critical to decrease stress during that time that you are too tired to think.  On the MomSource Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/pages/The-MomSource/145887487287?ref=tn_tnmn) I posted a link to a recipe  (delicious white bean and kale soup) in hopes that others would post their favorites; now I am considering a contest to help boost motivation.  What would be a good prize to motivate posts?

Please go to our Facebook page to vote or comment below regarding which (as many as you would want) of the following prizes would motivate you to take the time and post your favorite healthy, quick and easy recipe. The possible prizes are: 1) A gift certificate for “WE time” daily retreat offering practice in nurturing your relationship during your transition to family, birth “comfort measures”  to use in labor, and a photography session for belly or newborn photos. 2) A gift certificate for  “From We to Three”  workshop for expectant/new parents  offering practice in nurturing your relationship while you transform into family. 3) A gift certificate for a MomSource consultation in your home  to determine your needs for support after baby and develop a plan.  4) a gift certificate for a food processor/soup maker to use after baby arrives.  5) a gift certificate for 10 free yoga classes in a West Hartford studio. If you choose more than one motivator, please  let me know which is “the best” by listing it first!  Thanks for your time!

I’ll never forget one of the first mothers I treated for postpartum depression.  Her baby was in the NICU and she had a two year old son at home.  Going back and forth to the hospital, pumping her breast milk to give her baby the best start she could, feeling torn between caring for each of her children while completely depleted herself, she sank into a serious depression.  I believe the severity of her illness was linked to the stress of the premature birth, both the physical demands and the emotional demands of fear for their baby’s very survival.

Much attention is currently being focused upon the importance of carrying babies the full 40 weeks.  Both the March of Dimes and The Association of Women’s Health, Obstetric and Neonatal Nurses (AWHONN) have launched campaigns designed to increase awareness of the benefits of full term infants in contrast to the costs of prematurity.

The March of Dimes has great information on its website (http://marchofdimes.com/mission/prematurity_wpd.html) and the AWHONN’s campaign has 40  fun and serious reasons to give a baby 40 weeks to mature. “Go the Full 40” (http://www.health4mom.org/a/40_reasons_121611) has a downloadable PDF file and points out the increased risks of caesarean surgeries, prematurity, infections and hemorrhage associated with inducing labor.

When babies are born full term, they are healthier and therefore everyone thrives-Baby, Mom, Dad, and siblings! Please help spread the word about how we can do what we can to prevent preterm deliveries.

Support. I find myself obsessing about how I can help new families get the support they need.  Often, there seems to be so many blocks: family distant, either physically or emotionally, one or both parents needing to work long hours to feel securely employed and make ends meet, being new to Connecticut or the community, and  difficulty finding a venue to make connections and develop supportive relationships. And, of course, our busyness- we are all so busy, racing from work to errands, to activity to activity before collapsing before a television to chill.

In addition to these overarching external challenges, frequently  there are internal blockades as well: shyness keeps some isolated from others, independence prevents some from accepting help, and insecurity paralyzes many from moving into the larger world from the “baby bubble”.  Yet, in order to cope with the physical and emotional challenges of moving from a couple to a family; nurturing support from others can be critical!

How can I and others who care for these developing families help?  The first step, I believe, is by learning about the support already available in the community and then, directly referring to it.  Support like the moms social group offered by Nurturing Connections coordinator Jen Vendetti, MSW, and the wonderful baby and toddler parent groups taught by Pat McClarney through Hartford Hospital, and support for the birth process offered by so many childbirth educators and doulas (see archived blogs and Resources for more information about these services).

Through networking and self-education, I have been working on developing a larger “web of support” to catch and hold new families-link by link.  Please let me know what YOU think: what are the challenges new families face in developing a support network? As always, I’m really interested in learning about the resources available to families! Please comment here and let others know what is here right now in our community!